A Beautiful Moment

Today, I came......rather, I was led to a conclusion that everything is written,...rather everything becomes written. And when I say written, I do not mean, that life, for everyone, has been jotted down by a super-natural entity. Neither do I mean that our paths are pre-determined by some super natural entity who keeps having fore-thoughts of every living creature that would/should be born in the timeline of existence. But by written, I mean, a subtle clockwork mechanism that is in place. A clock-work mechanism that is self-producing, self-regenerating, self-destroying, self-functioning. You would think that the way this clock-work mechanism functions, it has a life of its own. But if it has a life of its own?...err, that is such a limiting thought that I just had. Life and Death are known to us because we ourselves live and die as humans. Why should I qualify that “clock-work mechanism” with terms that are so so so so and so human. This clock-work mechanism fluidly shifts from the realm of abstract thought to physical reality. Again, I perceive that, but only through these flawed senses that are available with every human, and therefore becomes a dull exercise. It is just it is. I simply marvel at it being there, when I experience its existence of which my existence is a part. I experience nothing but negative emotions when I try to define it. Because when I try to define it, with a language that has been given to me by fellow humans, I can do nothing but simply chip away portions from what is otherwise something that is  characteristic-less. Perhaps, it does have its own characteristics, but I believe our languages will have to evolve appropriately.

But am I disappointed or sad to be led to this conclusion? The conclusion that it is determined for me? That I do not have my own self-will and inner choice?

I have a friend, with who I had an accidental fortune to meet at a public place once. We had instantaneously sat down to a round of beers and were led through discussions on everything including, life. A stream from that discussion, as I remember, had veered into topics such as “Nirvana” and “determinism”. At that point of time, I happily chirped away at my friend about having understood the meaning of Nirvana. Before bidding each other good-byes, my friend had managed to utter, that everything was determined, even though we might believe otherwise. He had also expressed that he is unable to escape this conclusion, and therefore, he was saddened because of the inevitable realization that he had had. 

I admit, that without admitting to my friend, I was led onto another mental quest, something from which I had taken a rest. It is a really interesting thing, now that I wonder. That whenever one feels one’s questions have been answered and that one is at the stage of mental relaxation, life has a way of throwing something in your path, to kick-start the engines of your brain once again. And who knows, that one meets with such scenarios, because of one's own thoughts? That is, one way of looking at it can be, that the very thought which makes me feel that my questions are answered, must be putting me in situations that are bound to pose a new question for me? And I say this could be a possibility because of a probable reason that I would no longer or atleast try to avoid putting myself, in situations or conversations that deal with questions that are already answered for me? So in a way, my own answers lead me to questions and my own questions lead me to answers. In between, my thoughts cause my actions and my actions and their results cause my thoughts. The choice of thought that I would make for causing my next action will be determined on my past choices, results and the thought processes therefrom. And this way, for me, abstract thoughts and physical existence enjoy an existence together.

But as I asked before, should I be saddened to realize that I no longer have free-will and no inherent decision making power that springs from my own self? At that moment, after realizing thus, I realized that I did have a choice. Now, either I could act completely insane without making reasoned choices or willed decision, or continue the way I have been continuing as before, but with the consciousness that these thoughts and actions occuring through me are not birthed within, but merely processed. However, after I picked a choice from the two, what would follow shall be determined on the basis of that choice. Thus from whats determined, comes a choice. From a choice, comes whats determined.

This moment and the moment(s) after, I was led to this conclusion, I experienced something that I would feel when given a timeless moment, where everything made sense to me. A beautiful moment it was, almost similar in beauty of the moment(s) that I had spent with Reema.

Image from here.